Tears of Love, Tears of Pain
by Elbereth Queen of the St
Summary: Slash. The one thing Legolas has ever wanted he cannot have. Please r&r. ^_^


a/n: My first slashy!! Yay! *Is Proud* I'm actually very happy with the way this turned out. aha, many thanks to Alex (you know who you are) I couldn't have done it without you! aha, in case you didn't read the summary, Legolas/Haldir pairing. r&r? Thankies!!  
  
ahhh!! almost forgot!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own LotR, no was is this story affiliated with JRR Tolkien or Peter Jackson, don't sue, thank you.  
  
Tears of Love, Tears of Pain  
  
My tale begins 2 years ago.  
I had been involved in a quest.  
I was one of the nine walkers -- The Fellowship of the Ring.  
Legolas Greenleaf, one to represent the elves.  
2 years ago, I set out from Rivendell.  
This story takes up in the middle.  
  
****** (taking a trip down "memory lane")******  
  
We fled from following Orcs. We had only now escaped the depths of Moria. The once-glad dwarf-halls had been corrupted -- taken by goblins.  
My heart was heavy. Our captain, our leader... Mithrandir... fell into shadow.  
Though I was not wounded, my pain was terrible. Both the gift and the curse of the elves. Live forever, but express the strongest happiness, and feel the deepest pain.... I could see the pain in Aragorn's eyes as well.   
Gimli solemnly grieves, the hobbits wept openly.  
An elf does not.  
Though my grief and sorrow was great...it did not show. Alas, Mithrandir, my dear friend, was no more.  
Aragorn, with great difficulty, roused his companions.  
We stopped briefly at the Mirrowmere, but my heart found no hope, and no peace.  
We soon continued, for threat of following Orcs.  
As we walked along in silence, my heart leapt as I looked up. I cried to my fellows,   
"There lie the woods of Lothlorien! That is the fairest of all the dwellings of my people. There are no trees like the trees of that land. For in the autumn their laves fall not, but turn to gold. Not till the spring comes and the new green opens do they fall, and then the boughs are laden with yellow flowers; and the floor of the wood is golden, and golden is the roof, and its pillars are silver, for the bark of the trees is smooth and grey. So still our songs in Mirkwood say. My heart would be glad if I were beneath the eaves of that wood, and it were springtime!"  
"My heart will be glad, even in winter," Aragorn replied. "But it lies many miles away. Let us hasten!"  
After many miles of walking, my heart rejoiced.   
We had reached the golden wood.  
We crossed the river Nimrodel, and I sung only briefly of its tale, for I have forgotten much.  
When I tried to find safety in the trees, a voice commanded me down. I spoke to the voice in my native Sindarin, glad that it was of my own kindred from the south.  
We were invited on to their talan to bring tidings of our journey.  
Frodo, Sam and I climbed the silvery rope ladder to the top, and met three elves: Haldir, Rumil and Orophin. Haldir spoke to all in the common tongue, his brothers remained silent.  
We spent the night in their talans and were roused early morning.  
I could speak more to Haldir while we walked.   
"Elen sila lumenn omentielvo, Haldir!" I said with a smile.  
"Mae govannen, mellon." he answered back, staring me in the eyes.  
My stomach jumped.  
Haldir and I had scarcely begun to speak when we were interrupted. Gimli was none too happy with the decision I had made for him. He did not want to wear a blindfold, wherever he went.   
Aragorn then bid something that angered me, in turn. That I, as well as the rest of the company, was to wear a blindfold through the Naith of Lorien.   
Our leader, Aragorn, had his way.  
Haldir first bound the eyes of Gimli, then the hobbits, Boromir, Aragorn, and finally, me.  
Haldir stood in front of me for a moment with a questioning look on his face.  
"As Aragorn bids," I said with a sigh, as if to answer his silent question.  
He held the cloth in his hands and raised it towards me. It covered my eyes and I could see no more. His hands fingered the ends around my head and nimbly fastened it at the back. His hands traced back around and down my face and he brought them away from my skin.  
Under my blindfold, my eyes snapped open, though I did not make any move to stop him.   
I began to wonder if it was... a careless movement.. or...?  
At any rate, we were urged ahead by Haldir, being guided through the forest. Elves have other senses, I needed not the guidance.  
Haldir spoke to the hobbits with interest, as we walked, blinded.  
I had not the chance to ask him of this movement... maybe that was the point.  
At noon of the third day, a message was brought from the Lord and Lady: 'The Nine' are allowed to walk freely, even Gimli.  
My heart leapt, for then, I would be able to behold the beauty of ancient Middle Earth, and the wonder of Lorien; the mellyrn.  
This time, Haldir went first to unbind Gimli's eyes, begging his forgiveness, then to unbind my own.  
He walked up from behind and stood rather close as he reached up to unbind the cloth. His fingers coyly moved up my neck and through my hair as he untied the knotted material. His breath was hot on my neck ....   
Gimli was far too busy beholding Cerin Amroth to notice. (Stupid Dwarf)   
My eyes were diverted from the trees to look at Haldir in question. He stared back boldly, his eyes smouldering darkly.  
We stood for what seemed like an eternity when Rumil called to Haldir. Not breaking our stare, he answered,   
"Ai! I am coming, brother!"  
He finally broke away to help his brother untie the others.  
Breathing in, I took in all I saw.  
We were in the center of a large field. There was a great mound, upon it, two rings of trees crowned it. The outer, no -leafed white-barked trees, shapely in their nakedness, and the inner, mellyrn, glowing with the light of pale gold.  
Among the grass that covered the ground, there were the yellow star shaped elanor blooming. Among these were the slight dustings of the long stalked and white niphredil.  
The beauty and un-realism sunk in. I was in a world without fear. Pure Lorien had never been stained through the ages. Nor would it be.  
It came upon me with a shock. The weariness of the day. Though I could use the peace of mind, my eyes were regretful to ever close on that lovely scene. Yet my muscles pleaded for rest, and I willingly gave in, for I was weary, but content to be under the eaves of the Golden Wood, to sleep once again in a forest, under the stars.  
  
That night I jerked awake, only to find myself being watched. Haldir sat opposite me, back to a tree, arms folded across his chest.  
"Prince Legolas of Mirkwood," he purred. "Something disturb your sleep?"  
The moon lit his face, his skin paled in the light.   
My cheeks flushed,"No," I said, utterly unconvincingly, propping myself on my elbows. "What awakens you late this night?" I asked, regaining some finesse.  
"Morning," he corrected, causing me to purse my lips.  
"Only the wonder of your being...." I brought my brows together and remained silent. Haldir merely smiled sadly and moved from his position. He walked to the top of a mound, and stood, arms again folded, looking out across the land. His tall silhouette dark against the light of the stars. After a moment, I quietly settled back down, watching him, waiting for sleep. None came 'til dawn broke the horizon.  
  
***next day***  
  
We walked in silence.  
The night came quickly upon us. Haldir's hair glinted white in the light of the stars.  
Finally, we stood in a clearing thronged by mellyrn when Haldir's voice rang through the air.  
"Welcome to Caras Galadhon!! Here is the city of the Galadhrim where dwell the Lord Celeborn and Galadriel the Lady of Lorien. But we cannot enter here, for the gates do not look northward. We must go round to the southern side, and the way is not short, for the city is great."  
Merry groaned and Boromir rolled his eyes. Though I was anxious to see the city, I did not.  
I did not mind it so much.  
I glanced at Haldir...It is not that bad, walking.  
I felt a teasing little flutter as Haldir turned and gave me a look that could melt butter.  
He looked me up and down and finally rested on my eyes again. I started at his feet and went up. I saw him straighten his back a little as I did so. We looked at each other blazingly and I took a step forward. Smooth and oiled movements followed me across the clearing, nearly closing the space between us.   
Just then, Pippin tugged on Haldir's arm.  
"Um... excuse me, Haldir, sir? Could we get going? My feet hurt, and I think it would be best to press on...?"  
Little Pippin. Oblivious to what he had ruined. Oh, I hated him for that. Maybe that was all the chance we had.. maybe the fling was up....  
I was confused, did not know what to think... a-..about... him.  
"Yes... lets move." said Haldir, looking down at Pippin.  
We walked for hours until we seemingly reached our destination, where dwell the Lord and Lady.  
It is hard to describe the wonder that is Caras Galadhon. My eyes closed, soaking it in. No matter what people explain or expect, Lorien had its own light, shining from within. A light so pure that it shatters the darkness. Neither tales nor songs have done it justice.  
On the south side of the lawn stood the mightiest tree any of the company had ever chanced lay eyes upon. Three elven guards watched the ladders' bottom and sprang to their feet at our approach. Haldir spoke to them and started up the ladder. He was followed by Frodo, and then, myself.  
While climbing, we passed many talans as this tree was worthy. Finally we reached the end. I entered into an oval-shaped chamber within which grew the trunk of the great mallorn itself. The Lord and Lady stood to greet me. Both were tall and clad in white, Galadriel's hair of gold and Celeborn's silver. Celeborn spoke.  
"Welcome son of Thranduil! Too seldom do my kindred journey hither from the North."  
Galadriel said nothing but looked at my face until I sat and Aragorn entered.  
Whenst we had all been seated, Celeborn again spoke. We described our journey to the Lord and the Lady. The elves were extremely distraught about the falling of Gandalf. The grief is all too near for me, I almost could not stand speaking of it.   
Galadriel spoke long and dutifully of our quest and ended with these words,  
"Your Quest stands on the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail, to the ruin of us all. Yet hope remains while all the company is true." Galadriel stared at me, looked me into my eyes and seemingly searched my soul. That look made me want to cry and scream, whimper and hide. I did not. Galadriel drew long upon my face. I forced myself to look at her, into those piercing blue eyes. She spoke inside me head, she offered me things unimaginable. I would have never lived with myself if I had accepted these. 'I would never have lived with myself', this I told her, though something told me that she could already see.  
After time seemed to melt away, she removed her gaze. She withdrew that beautiful and terrible face to behold. I shut my eyes. I held her gaze, I passed the test.  
In turn, she drew upon the eyes of the others.  
None, save Aragorn, could hold her eyes for long.  
She looked longest upon the face of the ringbearer. Little Frodo. So young and already faced with a task of unimaginable difficulty and importance. He carries burdens he never should have worried about. I do not envy this little halfling, for his heart is troubled with the weight of the ring. At least he will be at peace for tonight. My heart feels saddened seeing such an innocent soul being subjected to the evil of Mordor; Isildur's bane. He would sleep in peace tonight.  
I smiled as I watched Merry and Pippin play around in the grass.  
I felt a hand on my shoulder.  
"We never got to finish our 'talk.'"  
I knew who it was. My heart skipped. I did not know what to think. I did not know if I was happy to see him or just....  
"Wait till they are asleep." I whispered.  
I felt a slight tug of motion, as a nod, or a jerk. He lifted his hand from me.  
I slept still when Aragorn lay himself down for sleep.  
I awoke in the morning in our set pavilion with sunshine caressing my skin and bird songs on the air.  
I shot up. I had forgotten.... Haldir. I needed to find him.  
I stepped through the Golden wood, frantically (or as frantic as an elf can be) looking around.  
Something stepped out from behind a tree.  
Before anything was done, my hand was quick with an arrow pulled and tension high on the bowstring. The tip of my arrow was aimed at a heart. I glanced up.. Haldir. Haldir stood calmly as I withdrew my arrow. He then said, injecting the slightest bit of anger and hurt into his voice,  
"You did not come."  
"I am sorry Haldir. I fell asleep, I- I...."  
"Do not toy with me, Legolas Greenleaf!"  
"Haldir, a simple mistake, do not accuse me of anything more!" some princely ego surfaced.  
"You did not come." he repeated. his eyes showed many mixed emotions. He looked to his feet.  
I turned his face with my hand, I was sure that I felt something stirring inside.  
I forced him to look at me.  
"I'll come tonight... I promise."  
He cast his eyes downward, as if he didn't believe.  
"Haldir!" I snapped, commanding his attention. "I promise!"  
I silently stole away back through the labyrinth of silver pillars under the wood's golden roof.  
  
As the others slept, I lay awake. I always sleep in the manner of elves, none could tell if I was sleeping or merely staring. When I was sure that all were asleep, I got up and silently crept between them, careful not to disturb their slumber.  
I found Haldir on his balcony, looking out over the edge.  
I observed his tall form. Those dark, passionate eyes, dignified nose, steady lips. His light hair... it had always been lighter than my own.  
"Haldir...." I whispered ever-so-softly.  
He turned, "Legolas...!" he exclaimed, as if he did not expect me to come. "I did not hear you arrive!"  
I smiled despite myself.  
I knew I liked Haldir, but now it was in question.  
That night we spoke of many things. Our families, our friends, our hopes and dreams.... Almost everything. I had a feeling that Haldir was hiding something, holding it back.  
Throughout our time in Lorien, we kept meeting each other. I began to feel something stronger than before. I think I was falling in love with Haldir.  
On the sixth night I told him.  
I walked to the same balcony as the night we first met.  
He was clothed all in white. I wore a thin blue shirt and leggings.  
I walked in and spoke.  
"Haldir.... I need to be honest with you. I think...." I breathed heavily. " I think I may be.. falling in love with you...!" I weaved my flustered hands about in my hair.  
To my surprise he strode across and swept me into a hug.  
"I thought that it was only I. I had been too nervous to speak of it, but now that it's been out in the open...."  
"I do not know why I am resisting...." I fidgeted. "elves are allowed to have same-sex relationships...."  
"They are. Legolas, I cannot deny it, I have loved you ever since that first speaking that night in the flet. How I longed to draw it out.. but we had not the chance... is this all right?"  
I smiled. "Haldir...." I trailed off, bringing him into a kiss.  
Our lips met and I knew that I had met my one. It was everything true love should be, Passion escaped those lips and all stress was released and our love blossomed.  
Finally we broke apart.  
My tounge tasted the sweet taste of Haldir's lips, still lingering and yearned for more.  
"Who am I kidding?"  
We drew together now and Haldir's hand went one, to the small of my back and the other around my shoulders.   
My hands wound around his head and neck, pulling him and I closer.  
"This is the only chance we've got. Its now or never!"  
"Oh please, let it be now." Haldir whispered, barely audibly, as if he did not want me to hear.... Something told me he might have.  
I kissed his neck and he draped his arms on me.  
I reached down and undid his belt and pulled it off.  
There was a little jolt as he realized.  
"Now." I whispered playfully, breaking loose.  
I unbuttoned his silvery-white shirt and ripped it open revealing his finely toned muscles. I marveled at his chest. Not that I though he was so puny but... wow.  
None the less he seemed pleased at my surprise and laughed a bit as he pulled my light shirt over my arms. I wore no boots, but was barefooted. My hands reached to my waist, about to take the leggings off when Haldir stopped me.  
"Wait!" he said, eyes twinkling.  
He grabbed my hand and started dragging me somewhere unknown to me. I did not know where we were headed so I allowed him to pull me along dark corridors, both of us giggling madly and we stole along the city of the Galadhrim, each half-clothed.  
We started walking into the forest. When we seemed to get near our destination, Haldir turned and said "Close your eyes!"  
I did so, completely trusting Haldir. He took both my hands and led me forward for a minute before I felt the terrain change beneath my feet. Cool grass slightly wet with dew was under foot when Haldir let go and said "Okay, open them!"  
I found us in a clearing all surrounded with woods. The clearing was filled with the beautiful elanor and nipredil cascading among the grassy shoots. Beneath the stars with one you love, it was heaven.  
I ran at him suddenly. Un-expecting it, he fell to the ground as I collided with the side of his body.  
I sat atop him, laughing. I pulled him into a quick kiss. He raised one eyebrow at me. I winked at him and shed my remaining clothing, freeing my legs from their seemingly useless captors as Haldir did the same.  
I sat atop him once again. I leaned down and bit his ear. He looked at me in amazement (though looking as if trying to hide a grin).  
"Legolas?!" he exclaimed in surprise.  
"Cannot you see that I like it rough?" I said, narrowing my eyes slightly and giving a seductive smile.  
"Well, that'll have to be! Wouldn't want to dis-satisfy a prince, would we?"  
Haldir rolled me over onto my back  
~morning~  
We made love that night, under the stars, waking up in each others' arms.  
  
***Two years nearly three months later (present tense from now on!)***  
  
It had been two years nearly three months since then. I haven't seen Haldir since the meeting of Celeborn and my father. My heart cries every day I spend without him.  
It is April now and everything is beautiful in Eryn Lasgalen.  
The worst thing that I have had to deal with over the long weeks and months is not to know if he is thinking of me. My heart suffers.  
I sadly rest my chin on my fist. I can hear a quiet noise, but I cannot be disturbed.  
It is a light clattering of a horse galloping with unshod hooves. It has to be an elf. The clattering became louder and louder until, riding bareback atop a mare of dazzling whiteness, Haldir.  
I do not pay any attention to the comings and goings of the city, for there are many. I hear the approach but I do not care. I am deep in thought, one that can only be shattered by one voice.  
"What a way to greet an old 'friend'!" scoffed a wonderful melodious deep voice, pulling me to consciousness.  
I wonder if it is real as I run to my balcony. Finally the moment i had waited for, i behold Haldir for the first time in many days.   
At seeing him, I cannot stop grinning, and my happiness has formed tears of joy in the corners of my eyes.  
I run through the palace on the swift feet of an elf. Skidding wildly around the last corner I run towards my destination.  
I run outside into the afternoon air, across the bridge and straight into Haldir, as I had done in that grove so many months ago. This time Haldir was ready for me. He received me in open arms and held me as I jumped on him, my legs straddling with his hands under my thighs to support me.  
I dropped to the ground.  
Before I could react, he grabbed me and pulled my body against his. He kissed me with fierce passion that had built.  
When our breath ran short, we pulled apart.  
We stayed close and I whispered "Haldir...."  
"Legolas, I have missed you so much and I could not bear to be without seeing you any longer."  
The long formed tears released. I had never cried before in my life, but now, everything, all my feelings and hurts are being released, all in this moment of joy and love for Haldir. My Haldir.. my love.  
We spent the day catching up and just... being together made it wonderful.  
Haldir spent the next two days in the palace of Eryn Lasgalen, enjoying the hospitality of the king, and the company of myself, his love.  
Then came the dreaded eve of the second day. Haldir would, once again, have to leave. (in the morning!!)  
I had to meet him. One last time.  
Haldir walked into my chambers.  
There I stand waiting on my balcony. Tears stream down my face.   
"Legolas...?! What is wrong?!"  
I merely turn and quietly sob. Only the second cry of my life and still it is not graceful. I squeeze my eyes shut, forcing tears to flood out. No matter how hard I try, I cannot make them stop. Not with all the emotions I am feeling. No chance. As I sob, Haldir just holds me. I could not ask for better.  
My hair covered my face. Haldir brushed his fingers up by my skin and lifted it and tucked it safely behind my ear.  
Haldir pulled me so that I would look at him.  
Grimacing, I forced myself to do so.  
"Legolas, my dear, whatever is the matter? It pains me to see you so."  
"Every breath I take is pain." I choked. "...We cannot be." I ended bluntly, collapsing on to Haldir.  
"What do you mean? We are, we can!"  
"No we cannot...!" I sobbed. I wish I was stronger. Why must I always be so weak? This pain is worse than any injury. It smites my very heart.  
Haldir had begun to feel tears in his eyes too.  
"You are Lorien, I am Mirkwood. It cannot be!"  
"Legolas, you knew from the start that I would have to return to Lorien...."  
"Yes, but I cannot deny the feelings of my heart.  
We each have our duties to our land, our homes. You keep the peace in Lorien, protect it from the comings and goings of strangers, they would be lost without you. I am the prince of Eryn Lasgalen, I cannot leave. This cannot be...." I ended, turning, unable to bear the expression on Haldir's face.  
"No, we can! We can pull through...! Our love...!" Haldir desperately protested.  
He put his hand under my chin and turned my face. He leaned in for a kiss. I pushed away and said sadly,  
"Do not kiss me -- it hurts. It hurts to know that I will never have you -- I cannot have you."  
Haldir was crying along with me. I could tell he had never cried like this before. He sounded hopeful, but inside, he knew that I was right. We could never be together. It is not fair. The only thing that I had ever wanted can never be mine.  
"This is the last time I will look upon your beautiful face." said Haldir, voice choked with sobs.  
"The last time you will hold me." I said, coming closer.  
"The last time I will kiss your tender lips...." Haldir near-whispered and leaned forward and pressed his lips onto my own. Short, sad, and bittersweet.  
I allowed it, as my tears fell to the ground.  
It can never be.  
Then Haldir turned and walked away.  
'Don't turn around!' I pleaded in thought to myself.  
I do not want Haldir to see my heart break.  
  
***(narrator)***  
  
Indeed Legolas' heart broke that night, and all that looked upon him missed the gladness of his face, though he still was beautiful in his elven princely way. The lack of laughter coming form those lips was the saddest thing. To never see him happy as he once might have been. It breaks the hearts of many who once knew him. None now remember.  
  
***Back to Legolas' POV***  
  
"Namarie..." I whispered as my tears fall.  
"Namarie, Haldir." 


End file.
